Mr. Murphy Says
 

Murphy's Law on Battle

Murphy's 1st Military Law:
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

Murphy's 2nd Military Law:
No battle plan ever survives first contact with the enemy.

First Corollary:
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
A. when you're ready for them, and
B. when you're not ready for them.

Second Corollary:
Professionals are predictable. It's the amateurs that are dangerous.

Murphy's 3rd Military Law:
Friendly fire ain't.

Corollary:
If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.

Murphy's 4th Military Law:
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Murphy's 5th Military Law:
The problem with taking the easy way out is the enemy has already mined it.

First Corollary:
There's always a way, but the easy way is always mined.

Second Corollary:
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Murphy's 6th Military Law:
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy's 7th Military Law:
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy's 8th Military Law:
Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy's 9th Military Law:
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

Corollary:
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you've found the combat zone.

Murphy's 10th Military Law:
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

Corollary:
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

Murphy's 11th Military Law:
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy's 12th Military Law:
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

Murphy's 13th Military Law:
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Murphy's 14th Military Law:
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

Corollary:
Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.

Murphy's 15th Military Law:
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

First Corollary:
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

Second Corollary:
Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.

Murphy's 16th Military Law:
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Corollary:
If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Murphy's 17th Military Law:
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

Murphy's 18th Military Law:
A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Murphy's 19th Military Law:
When you have secured an area, don't forget to inform the enemy.

Murphy's 20th Military Law:
If it's stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Murphy's Laws of Combat - Part 2

You are not Superman.
Recoilless rifles aren't.
Suppressive fire won't.
If it's stupid, but works, it's not stupid.
Don't look conspicuous. It draws fire.
Never draw fire. It makes everyone around you nervous.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
Always keep in mind that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going well, it's an ambush.
If you can't remember . . . the claymore is probably pointed at you.
All five second grenade fuses are three seconds.
Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo.
If you are forward of your position the artillery will be short.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is the main attack.
The easy way is always mined.
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Friendly fire isn't.
Anything you can do can get you shot ... including doing nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in ... and you can't get out.
Tracers work both ways.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Radios will fail as soon as you need something desperately.
When both sides are convinced they are about to lose . . . they are both right.
Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
All weather close support doesn't work in bad weather.
The bursting radius of a grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
The only terrain that is truly controlled is the terrain upon which you're standing.
The law of the bayonet says the man with the bullet wins.
REMFs are everywhere.
The best tank killer is another tank. Therefore tanks are always fighting each other . . . and have no time to help the infantry.
Remember, your weapons and equipment were made by the lowest bidder
Precision bombing is normally accurate within plus/minus one mile.
Cluster bombing from B-52s and C-130s is very, very accurate. They always hit the ground.
Murphy was an 11 Bush
Perfect plans aren't.
The easy way generally gets you killed.
The side with the fanciest uniforms losses.
Armored vehicles are bullet magnets; a moving foxhole that attracts attention.
If you are short of everything except enemy, you're in combat.
No plan survives the first few seconds of combat.
Ammo is cheap; your life isn't.
It's easier to expend material in combat than to fill out the forms for Graves Registration.
If you can't see the enemy, they still may be able to see you.
Final protective fire doesn't.
You can win without fighting, but it's a lot tougher to do. And the enemy may not cooperate.

The Laws of Air Force Aviation


Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up ... the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S--t!!!!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left anyone up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries!

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

The Altitude above you, the runway behind you, and the fuel not in the plane are totally worthless!!!
(Sonny Kellum, Flight Instructor)

A pilot's job is very simple.... there are 3 lights on an aircraft, red on left wing tip, green on right wing tip, white on the tail...Your job, as a pilot is to keep the plane between these 3 lights!!
(Sonny Kellum, Flight Instructor)


A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you!!

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron OPS desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
(Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to!!

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

The 2 most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity and
I don't know which is the most.

Navy SEAL teaches the Instructor!


Two things Navy SEALS are always taught:
Keep your priorities in order
Know when to act without hesitation

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted:

"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!" Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold.

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent ..... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

Real Military Leaders:

Can cuss for a full ten minutes without ever repeating a word.

Got their commissions the old-fashioned way - at OCS.

Can remember when they were real NCOs.

Will fight with bayonets and E-tools just to save ammo.

Have eyes in the backs of their heads.

Can see in the dark.

Would rather be a squad leader than a general.

Have dreams about leading a parachute assault on Baghdad.

Still don't trust the Russians.

Still hate the French.

Will take vacation time just to make a pilgrimage to Ft. Benning to see Iron Mike.

Know who Iron Mike is.

Don't give a damn about being politically correct.

Don't know how to be politically correct

Love deploying to combat because there's less paperwork.

Know that "Cav" is an abnormal condition that can be cured with testosterone shots.

Can remember the "daily dozen".

Can remember running PT in boots.

Have enough "fruit salad" on their greens to be Mexican field marshals.

Have enough time in service to retire as captains.

Think it's cool to teach their kids how to do "SPORTS".

Do not fear women in the military.

Would actually like to date GI Jane.

Know what a short-arm inspection is.

Think that Bradley crewmen are emasculated infantrymen.

Know that tankers exist in order to allow the enemy to deplete its basic load of sabot ammunition.

Know where the "Green Ramp" is.

Can remember who their "Ranger Buddy" was.

Know that there's a difference between "giving orders" and "going through the orders process".

Think that "slides" involve ropes and snap links.

Don't like taking orders from a guy who couldn't get a DD214.

Still know how to PMCS a buffer.

Can field strip an M1 Garand, although an M14 is an authorized substitute.

Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.

Know that most of life's problems can be solved by applying the eight steady hold factors.

Know that the US Military was too goddamn stupid to have assassinated
Kennedy.

Believe that "Nuts" wasn't exactly all that BG McAuliffe said to the Krauts at Bastogne.

Think that we should develop nuke rounds for the M203.

Know the true meaning of the word Hooah.

Want both "Cross of Iron" and "Saving Private Ryan" to be training films.

Don't know how to use a "stress card".

Idolize John Wayne.

Know why you should carry two field dressings on your LBE.

Would rather have a "mad minute" than a "VTC".

Shudder when they hear "Garry Owen".

Know that the vertical buttstroke is not a sexual position.

Don't believe that "AAFES" needs a "commander".

Don't need "leadership tabs" to know when they're in charge.

Can remember when faggots were not a "minority group".

Don't have to "do a Lewinski" to get a "one block".

Don't give a damn if they get a "one block".

Won't brief it if it's too complicated to fit on a few 3x5 cards.

Believe troops don't really want the "Single Soldier Initiative".

Really don't like taking crap from those who haven't "been there".

Believe that "RHIP" was invented by individuals who couldn't lead their way
out of a field latrine.

Know how to properly construct a field latrine

Can set the headspace and timing on a "fifty" by touch alone.

Know how to do a "daisy chain".

Enjoy heating MREs with C4.

Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their asses kicked, twice.

Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably still don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.

Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.

Know that the new OER system is as screwed up as the old one.

Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the Bosnia scenario.

Realize that Reagan won the Gulf War.

Don't believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.

Want to be like Teddy Roosevelt.

Love the smell of napalm in the morning.

Know that "napalm" is really called "incendi-gel".

Don't need a GPS to find themselves.

Think of Army aviators as guys who wear pajamas to work.

Know that it really is possible to crawl inside a Kevlar when someone's
shooting at you.

Have enough extra TA-50 in their closets to start a surplus store. (Army-issued individual equipment)

Would love to own their own HMMWV.

Think that MREs taste good.

Would like to see what kind of creature "ham and chicken loaf" comes from.

Realize that there were no starving people in Somalia.

Can remember open bay barracks.

Believe that "combat power on the objective" is a bunch of crap.

Believe that killing the enemy isn't.

Know that "accuracy counts", especially in combat.

Know the Ranger Creed by heart.

Still have jungle fatigues in their closets.

Never count on the artillery in a clutch.

Believe that terrorists can be taken care of for 32 cents each (the cost of a 9mm round).

Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.

Are convinced that "wall-to-wall counseling" really works.

Would love to go to sniper school.

Have more time on a static line than most other soldiers have in the chow
line.

Know what a "link count" is.

Realize that volleyball is the most important subject taught at CAS3.

Know that it's not real coffee if you can't stand a track jack up in it.

Don't need a "MCOO" to know where the enemy will come from.

Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M16.

Know that shitty leaders will always say they have shitty soldiers.

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

Bumper stickers for F16's -

Lean, Mean, Flameout Machine.

I SHALL RETURN...Well, I might.

Mach Nix.

The F-16. Takes a licking, and takes a licking.

Have you hugged your chute today?

This Vehicle Makes Frequent Stops.

I came. I saw. I bingo'd.

No deposit, no return.

We've spent so much money on this thing that we can't afford to admit we were wrong.

A triumph of style over substance.

The best damn second place fighter in the world.

Instead of a CAS mod, we're going to install a roll bar.

And now with this LANTIRN thing and our new Block 40's, we can hit the ground at NIGHT!

We cover the target like a thong bikini.

And BINGO is my Name-O.

We crash more airplanes before 9-o'clock than most people crash all day.

Last in the talent show, but first in the swimsuit competition.

Lose a few, lose a few.

Feet and knees together, eyes on the horizon...

Designated no-hitter.

Everything you wanted in a fighter and less.

Optimist: F-16 pilot who's worried about dying from cancer.

Only Michael Jackson is more manly.

Hey, today we didn't lose a single jet.

This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you.

User friendly... if you've got three hands.

If we have a war with BDUs, we've got 'em beat.

Careful badguys...I'm carrying BOTH bombs today. I'm talkin' wall-to-wall MK-82's Pal.

If I carried more weapons, and if I had enough gas, and if I could actually hit the target, and if I had some more REALLY expensive electrons so I could find you, and if my motor didn't quit, and if My wings didn't crack, Boy, I'd really teach you a lesson!

I stopped reading here...

http://infomercial.tvheaven.com/mich...on-mugshot.jpg

*laughs*

Now, to be fair, for the longest time I was an Eagle Fan. And to be fair, the 15E is in my mind second only to the 15I. So, this is a lot of truth, at least for pre block 50 F16's. Block 50,52,60+ 16's on the other hand (And the F16I Sufa in particular) are quite the opposite. The Sufa is one mean machine. And its got legs.

There is a story of a few US warships heading towards Israel that was told the IAF would play tag with it when they got in range, and it was all good. Of course, getting bounced by a flight of 12 of them with 2k green ones hanging when they was still on the wrong side of the Italian boot wasn't in the plan of the day. (To be fair, they had to tank up to get home, but the point wasn't Aimed at the friends to the west... ;)

Saw these on strategy page.com...


Rules of Combat

USMC
Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two.

Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.

Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.

Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon.

In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics.
They will only remember who lived and who didn't.

If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.

Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

Have a plan.

Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.

Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

Don't drop your guard.

Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."

Army
See USMC Rules for combat

Add 60 to 90 days

Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance

Navy
Spend three weeks getting somewhere

Adopt an aggressive offshore posture

Send in the Marines

Drink Coffee

Bring back the Marines

Air Force
Kiss the spouse good-bye

Drive to the flight line

Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.

Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys

Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer

Staff officers say the strangest things..... (UNCLASSIFIED)
 

The original author of this collection wishes to remain anonymous, and thus preserve his promotion prospects.

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM, European Command, which is in charge of American operations in Europe)

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"OSD (Office of the Secretary of Defense) will continue to drive this cart into the ground long after the wheels have been sold on E-bay." MAJ (JS) on the progress of FIF (Free Iraqi Forces)

"Please don't laugh. This is my job." Maj (EUCOM) from Protocol, explaining in great detail the approved procedures for dropping off VIPs

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ (EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them...and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM, Central Command, which is in charge operations in Iraq and Afghanistan))

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"So, what do you wanna do?"...
"I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"...
"I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(S) (Undersecretary of Defense for Strategy) develops and implements their strategies

"Let's face it: Africa sucks..." DOS representative (Bureau of African Affairs) at a conference on Africa

Staff officers say the strangest things..... (UNCLASSIFIED) Part II
 

This is the second in a series of collected comments, made by American staff officers since 9/11, overheard and herein assembled for your edification, amusement and horror.

"One of the secrets to maintaining my positive attitude in this job is this: I complete no tasker before its time..." MAJ (EUCOM)

"It is nothing for US soldiers to be in the desert for a year without a woman. It is different for us, though, because we are Latin..." LTC (LATAM country) on one of the differences between Latin American soldiers and their US counterparts

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)

"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR)

"Great! What we really need are some more 0-5s (Lieutenant Colonel) around here..." MAJ (EUCOM) on the release of the list of 0-5 promotables

"Don't ever be the first...don't ever be the last...and don't ever volunteer to do anything...." CDR (EUCOM) relating an ancient Navy truism

"Hey, somebody should really do that..." CDR (CENTCOM) on the CENTCOM tasking process

"Are you sure they aren't writing about us? Hell, at least we should jump on that wholesale desertion thing..." Maj (CENTCOM) on the following report from a newspaper:
"(The Iraqi military was crippled by)...a multitude of erratic orders and strategic miscalculations, while its fighting units barely communicated with one another and were paralyzed from a lack of direction...these woes were compounded by incompetence, poor preparation, craven leadership and (the) wholesale desertions of thousands of soldiers..."

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs (Action Officers) at his Command

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation

"South of the Alps and East of the Adriatic, paranoia is considered mental equilibrium..."

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in "fat chance..."" GS-15 (SHAPE)

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS)

"We have no position on that issue. In fact, your position IS our position. Could you tell us what our position is?" CDR (TRANSCOM, Transportation Command) at a policy SVTC (Secure Video Teleconference)

Staff officers say the strangest things..... (UNCLASSIFIED) Part III
 

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (Chief Warrant Officer) (ret) (EUCOM)

"Even if Al-Qaeda nuked this place, the Chief of Staff would approve a 4-star visitor the very next day!" GS-12 (US government employee, grade 12) (EUCOM)

"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

"It's basically announcing to the world that I've completely given up." LT (USN F-14 squadron) on his initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand new minivan

"A staff action is like getting an out of state check, countersigned by a fraud on a phony ID: some of the time it clears, but most of the time, you're screwed." Lt Col (USAF)

"I need intelligence, not information." Maj (EUCOM)

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR)

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"

"Who are you talking to? ...Hang up the phone!" Lt Col mentoring MAJ (EUCOM) on how to stay in his own lane...

"The hardest thing about having a third child is switching from 1-on-1 to a zone defense." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6 (Colonel)." Col (EUCOM)

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"The first question I ask myself when tasked to do something that's not obviously and overwhelmingly in my own best interest is, 'Exactly what happens if I don't do it?'"

"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."

"No need to tip our hand as to how responsive we can be." CDR (EUCOM) in a passdown to his replacement

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)

"I think that my next set of orders will take me to Iraq. My career's going so badly that I'm considered a 'dead-ender.'" LtCol (EUCOM)

Staff officers say the strangest things..... (UNCLASSIFIED) Part IV
 

"I just realized that this War on Terror might take a little longer than we thought, so I am developing a new system of hanging charts on walls to solve our problem and win the war." LTC (EUCOM) after a
review of long range Counter Terrorism (CT) plans

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."
"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM)

"I'm gonna have to leave work early today and probably stay home tomorrow. I'm fighting off a cold and I want to beat it before I start my leave in two days." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Creating smoking holes gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

"Interagency is a process, not a noun." Anonymous (EUCOM)

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS (Department of State) rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."
"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or
stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM), excerpts

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM)

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM)

Staff officers say the strangest things..... (UNCLASSIFIED) Part V
 

"They also serve, who sit and surf the NIPR (the Department of Defense's private internet)." CPT (CENTCOM)

"I hear so much about Ft. Bragg. Where is it?"
"It's in the western part of southeastern North Carolina." LCDR and CPT (EUCOM)

"I've become the master of nodding my head and acting like I give a sh!t, and then instantly forgetting what the hell a person was saying the moment they walk away." Flag-level Executive Assistant

"Mark my words, this internet thing is gonna catch on someday." LTC (EUCOM)

"You're not a loser. You're just not my kind of winner..." GS-14 (OSD)

"He who strives for the minimum rarely attains it." GS-12 (DOS)

"I'm tired of waiting on somebody who I know is just going to ignore me once they arrive." Lt Col (EUCOM), while waiting to start a brief for a visiting VIP

"If I'd had more time, I'da written a shorter brief..." Derived from the writings of Mark Twain

"Vision without funding is hallucination." Maj (EUCOM)

"I work at EUCOM. I know bullsh!t when I see it." LTC (EUCOM) in a game of office poker

"You only know as much as you don't know." GO (EUCOM)

"I'm just livin' the dream..." EUCOM staffer response to the question, "How's it going?" or, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just ranting...I have nothing useful to say." LTC (EUCOM)

"Why would an enemy want to bomb this place and end all the confusion?" GS-14 (EUCOM)

"How soon before we can give this guy a medal, a good OER, and send him on his way?" GS-12 (EUCOM) referring to his boss

"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that wear face coverings for a reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to visit." LTC (CENTCOM)

"It was seen, visually." LTC (EUCOM) during a Reconnaissance briefing

"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..."
"This should be a short conversation."
LtCol to Lt Col (EUCOM)

"If you want to take down a country, gimme a call. We'll get it done." GO/FO (EUCOM) to a gathering of US Amba$$adors

"Hello gentlemen. Are we in today or are you just ignoring my request?" GS-15 (DSCA) in an email to EUCOM staffers

"After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a EUCOM watch." Maj (EUCOM)

Staff officers say the strangest things..... (UNCLASSIFIED) Part VI
 

"Your Key Issues are so 2003..." CPT (CJTF-180) in January 2004

"USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human
history. When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan
or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either." Among the options that were being discussed was an innovative program to "interbreed" the deployed personnel. "We are going to actively encourage the military members in Qatar to intermarry and raise children that will replace them in the future. Sure, it may be a little hard on some of our female service members, since there currently are about 8 men for every woman over there, but we expect that to be OBE as the sex ratios will even out in a
generation or two. In any case the key to the plan is to make these assignments not only permanent, but inheritable and hereditary. For example, if you currently work the JOC weather desk, so will your children, and their children, and their children, ad infinitum. We like to think of it as job security." CPT (CJTF-180)

"That's FUBIJAR." COL (CENTCOM) (Fu--ed Up, But I'm Just a Reservist... )

"As far as I'm concerned, I'm the only one that matters in here." COL (CENTCOM)

"No matter how hard this Command beats me down, I am still able to get it up." Maj (EUCOM)

"I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I am captured and fall into enemy hands!" GO/FO (CENTCOM)

"Cheese-dickery abounds at this Command." LtCol (EUCOM)

"Does anybody around here remember if I did anything this year?" LTC (EUCOM) preparing his Officer Evaluation Report support form

"This is all happening because we had the sympathetic detonation of a stress grenade." Maj (EUCOM) after an insignificant issue became a theater focus because somebody used the "Reply all" function

"I'd be happy to classify this document for you. Could you tell me its classification?" GS11 (EUCOM) in an email from the Foreign Disclosure office

"Nothing is too good for you guys...and that's exactly what you're gonna get..." LTC (EUCOM) describing the way Army policy is formulated

"The only thing that sucks worse than being me is being you..." LTC (EUCOM)

"Why should I worry? Nobody here outranks me by that much." MAJ (SOCEUR) briefing a group of 0-6s

"I have to know what I don't know..." Col (CENTCOM) during a shift changeover briefing

"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..." Foreign GO/FO when asked if he had any questions following a transformation brief at JFCOM

Staff officers say the strangest things..... (UNCLASSIFIED) Part VII
 

"I'm planning on taking the weekend off...notionally..." LT (EUCOM) midway through a huge, simulated command exercise

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Col (MARFOREUR)

"I've heard of 'buzzwords' before but I have never experienced a 'buzz sentence' or a 'buzz paragraph' until today." Maj (EUCOM) after listening to a JFCOM trainer/mentor

"We've got to start collaborating between the collaboration systems."
"Our plan for the Olympics is to take all the ops and put it in the special room we have developed for ops." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"Did you hear that they're canning Bob Edwards on NPR?"
"Why? Did they catch him standing up for the National Anthem or something??" COL to CDR (EUCOM)
"Not to be uncooperative, but we're just being uncooperative." CDR (EUCOM) in an email response to a request for information

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." LtCol to GO/FO (EUCOM) in briefings

"We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little, that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing." Anonymous, but classic...

"The 'L' in CENTCOM stands for leadership..."

"At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)

"He cloaked himself in an impenetrable veneer of terminology." Lt Col (JFCOM) describing the JFCOM alpha male

"Transformation has long been the buzzword for those that are dispossessed, dispirited and disillusioned..." Chaplain (EUCOM), allegedly talking about the Disciples...

"There are more disconnects on this issue than CENTCOM has staff officers." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?" MAJ (EUCOM)

The proceeding posts are a salute to those nameless, thankless, wannabe warriors who labor in staff positions....just to confirm that the line dawgs were right all along!

:p

Origin of the Commissioned Officer Insignias

The young 2nd Lieutenant approached the crusty old MSG and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well, Lieutenant, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a 1st lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a general, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"

"Yes, Master Sergeant" replies the lieutenant, but what about majors and lieutenant colonels?"

The Master Sergeant explains, "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history, back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

Murphy’s Laws of Armor

1. Just after you report “Redcon 1” (Readiness Condition 1 - ready to move out right "now") for your qualification run, you will realize that you desperately need to take a leak.

2. The fuel truck will run out of fuel just before he gets to your tank.

2a. You will run out of fuel before he returns.

3. Tanks don’t float.

4. If a supply sergeant is given a choice between death and going to the field with his unit, he will ask for a few minutes to “Think it over.”

5. Attempting to help recover a mired tank will only result in your tank becoming mired also.

6. The primary purpose of an operations order is to ensure that all blame falls on the line units.

6a. For this reason, the staff will not publish an operations order until after the exercise is completed.

7. Night vision devices will only fail at night.

7a. They will function perfectly once the sun rises.

8. The dirtier and more tired you are, the less appreciative you become of “constructive criticism” from somebody in a pristine uniform.

9. The heater on your tank will fail in October. The part to repair it will arrive in April.

10. No matter how minor the ailment, a visit to the medics will result in an I.V.

10a. Arguing with the medics about this will result in your being evacuated in a neck brace and back board (in addition to the I.V.).

11. When loading the main gun, remember: “pointy end first.”

12. The only times you will throw a track (that flexible band of metal and rubber the tank travels on) are: a. At night, b. in the rain, c. during the movement back to garrison, or d. one hour after you installed the new ones.

13. Your vehicle will go NMC (Not Mission Capable - deadlined ) right after the contact team leaves the AO (Area of Operations).

14. All infantry fighting vehicles don’t look alike.

15. Shaking trees to your front mean that you are being hunted by helicopters.

16. When you are told your engineer support was needed elsewhere, the bridge will be out.

17. The exercise will finish and you’ll get back to garrison just after the wash rack (where tanks are cleaned) closes.

18. If all else fails, shoot at the muzzle flashes — the larger ones are the dangerous ones, the smaller ones are infantry.

18a. The infantry muzzle flashes you ignore are covering an anti-tank team setting up.

19. “Rebel yells” are not proper FM radio procedure after a successful Table VIII (The tank crew qualification test a 10 engagement run on a tank range which tank crews must successfully complete in order to be a qualified crew. Like going to the rifle range for a qualification of expert) shoot.

20. XO math: 3 pacs on the ground + no fueler + 2 deadlines = 100% FMC (Fully Mission Capable).

21. Close air support is safest from far away.

22. Proving that three feet of frontal armor protection will defend against any threat is probably best demonstrated on someone else’s track.

23. Hearing an “Aw, shit” soon after an “on-the-waaay!” means you’re probably not getting that promotion.

24. Tanks are very easy to see unless you’re dismounted and they’re backing up.

25. The one time you skip the firing circuit test is when you have the misfire.

26. “GUNNER, SABOT, SNIPER” (firing an anti-tank shell at a sniper) is not an appropriate use of ammunition.

27. It is cruel to tell NBC types “Damn, that Fox (NATO chemical/biological/nuclear weapons detection vehicle) looks like a BMP (Russian made armored vehicle used by many countries, like Iraq)!” — particularly when live rounds are being issued.

28. Blackout drive + autobahn + 0345 = polizei.

29. Unsecured turrets will only swing freely mid-way through a rail tunnel.

30. When doing a gunnery, the tank is always operational until you get to the ready line.

31. If you are promised “downtime,” what they really mean is: You will be breaking track.

32. First sergeant math: Buy Gatorade for $1.49 each and sell for $1.00 each — with the profits going to the unit fund.

The Herc and the F-15s

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."

Q&A

Q: How do you know if there is an Air Force pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between an Air Force pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.

Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One...he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you bury a fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema and bury what’s left in a shoe box.

The Three Pilots

Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.

The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."

The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."

The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.

“My Wife . . . .”

A Navy Chief and an Air Force General were getting shave sin a barbershop.

As the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces, the General

shouts, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" Whereupon the Chief turns to his barber and says, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Guilty of this one.....


But it worked *real* well.

I think this one says it nicely :D

Murphy Laws on Combat with Chuck Norris

1. ARE YOU CRAZY WHO IS GOING TO FIGHT CHUCK NORRIS........HE CHUCK NORRIS HE CAN KILL YOU JUST BY LOOKING AT YOU

2. Well that it I guess

A Lesson in Naval Logistics
 

On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 115,000 pounds of black powder and 79,000 gallons of rum.

Her mission: to destroy and harass English Shipping
On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 688,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard rum.

By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons aboard and headed for home.

On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no whiskey.

She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water. The math is quite enlightening:
Length of cruise: 181 days
Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day
(this DOES NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November).

Naval historians note that the reenlistment rate from this cruise was 92%.

LOGISTICS LESSON LEARNED:
Don’t load up with too much water.

Useful Latin Terms
 

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
Translation: When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
Translation: I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar
 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting '
England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

^ The above made me laugh out loud.

Could a Nelson or a Patton even make it to Flag rank in the modern military?

You know you're an "Old Soldier" when....

You know what GDP means and still remember where yours was and how long it took to occupy.
You remember when we had tactical nukes and really planned to use them.
You remember spending hours in MOPP4 and doing M256 kits.
You remember when the M8 Claymore and M72 LAW were part of CTT.
You remember when ARTEPs were 36 hours and you had fun.
You remember when Carl Vuono was CG (8th ID(M) and Max Thurman was head of recruiting command.
You know what a Gama Goat and GOER were and could fix an M151A2 to run off one prop shaft.
You remember when the Israelis were bad asses and we all wanted to be like them. (When did that change?)
You remember when Saddam Hussein was our loyal ally.
You remember when Airland Battle was a new concept, and everyone religiously read 100-5.
You know what the "Cap Weinberger Doctrine" was.
You remember when the M16 was a plastic carbine, and you hoped for an M14.
You can remember going to the Club at Graf, drinking, and watching Margaret.
You personally know Margaret.
You know what a "Smokey" at Hohenfels is.
You know the difference between the VRC46, VRC47, PRC77 and VRC160 and the requisite installation kits.
You know what a CEOI is and you can encrypt grids.
You remember when NTC was a new and cool concept.
You remember when it was real cool to go to SAMs or be an OC at NTC.
You remember when as a new LT/CPT you could go out and train your soldiers and not have an OC tell you how screwed up you were.
You remember battalion commanders and 1SG's who were Vietnam Vets.
You remember battalion commanders who drank, swore and mentored.
You remember battalion commanders who were ruthless about tactics,but didn't give a crap about admin BS.

Ain't it true.. brings back memories.. FB

Hey Dragoon.. Thanks for an evening of chuckles and memories. FB

A selection of interesting quotes I dug up.

"Engines of war have long since reached their limits, and I see no further hope of any improvement in the art."

Frontinus, 90 AD

"Gentlemen, you may be sure that of the three courses open to the enemy, he will always choose the fourth."

Field Marshall Helmuth von Moltke to his staff

"A piece of paper makes you an officer, a radio makes you a commander."

General Omar Bradley

"All the business of war, and indeed all the business of life, is to endeavour to find out what you don't know from what you do."

Arthur Wellesley, Duke Of Wellington

"Tanks are easily identified, easily engaged, much-feared targets which attract all the fire on the battlefield. When all is said and done, a tank is a small steel box crammed with inflammable or explosive substances which is easily converted into a mobile crematorium for its highly skilled crew."

Brigadier Shelford Bidwell

"Battles are sometimes won by generals; wars are nearly always won by sergeants and privates."

F E Adcock

"A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him."

Sir Winston Churchill

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."

Russian military doctrine

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed"

U.S. Air Force flight training manual

"Artillerymen believe the world consist of two types of people; other Artillerymen and targets."

Unknown

"Ultima ratio regum." (The final argument of kings)

Inscription on French cannons, on order of Louis XIV

I've saved the best for last:

"One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine."

From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

You May Be a Taliban, If ...
 

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Special Forces Challenge
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One U S Special Forces soldier is better than ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One U S Special Forces soldier is better than one hundred Taliban."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again "One U S Special Forces soldier is better than one thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machineguns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's actually two of them."

The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the fairway!"

Armor: Runs over snake. Giggles wildly and looks for more snakes. Tank Commander screams "GUNNER! SABOT! SNAKE!" expends basic load of ammunition, paints kill rings on gun tube.

Army Aviation: Has GPS ten digit grid to snake. Stands off at a range greater than any other weapon system and destroys snake with precision fires at a cost equivilant of one Mercedes 350SEL. Returns to base for fighter management and a "cool one".

Army Shrink. Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings about its mother.

Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Military Intelligence, G-2: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.

Marines, ForceRecon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Marines, Infantry: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Mech Infantry: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Military Intelligence, S-2: Reports to ground troops that snake is a non-combatant. Six Infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible threat.

Military Police, Criminal Investigation: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.

Missileers, Air Force: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations.

Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still.

Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy, Surface Action Group: Fires off 50 cruise missiles fro several ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadline snake and order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later but the snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through improper channels.

Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it, then feverishly works to save the nake's life.

Pilot, A-10: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Pilot, Air Force, F-15: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

Pilot, Air Force, F-16: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as a HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on airplane.

Pilot, Air Force, Transport: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

Pilot, Army, AH-64 Apache: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

Pilot, Army, HH-53 Jolly Green Giant: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

Quartermaster: Encounters snake, then loses contact. Can not identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through supply channels. Request is denied by higher authority; issuing the unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.

Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.

SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel . . . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck."

War Correspondent. Decides snake is patriotic nationalist agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S. troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.

Funny Flight Stories

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."

"90 knots" Center replied.

"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."

"120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.'

"There was a slight pause, then the response, 525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

"The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared...

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah", the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded Seven-Engine approach".

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"