LOL
Just have a series of pits dug in the backyard...and when the boys show up, lock the ankle monitor on...check the GPS tracking feature in front of them...show them your collection of weapons and knives and make sure they see the Castration for Dummies book on your desk... 
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The reason that the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices chaos on a daily basis.
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