[raketenjagdpanzer]

Real writeups in Air Force "781" Aircraft Maintenance Forms, and the "innovative" solutions of Air Force aircraft maintenance technicians:

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you're right.

Problem: "The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn."
Solution: "Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn."

Problem: "Rear cockpit HUD repeter unviewable, looked like squiggly porn."
Solution: "HBO ordered MICAP zero Ballance."

Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) wont track on the ground."
Solution: "System fully operational, flightsuit insert inop (side stick controller)."