Nate,
I don't believe in coincidences and although the exact reasons for your present conditions may seem horrific and unfair they will make their lessons known to you in the future.
I know, as I said earlier, some of your suffering and one thing that I learned is that when you have children offing yourself is no longer an option no matter how appropriate it may seem. Trust a stranger on this one.
The isolation and loneliness you speak of I know all too well. The sleep deprivation, the images that are endearing to almost everyone kill you inside a little each time you see them but see them you will, over and over.
It seems almost impossible right now but they will get easier to handle if you start thinking that at some point those images will include you.
Happiness will find you and the boys if you are willing to hang in and its very likely that the boys themselves will carry it to you.
My son's mother has done everything from then to now to demonize me and alienate me from my son. There were times when I felt like talking a long walk from the whole thing but I hung in long enough for me to realize through him that her brain washing didn't work.
Its done some damage, no doubt but not enough to destry my image in his mind.
I wish I had something to tell you about your physical pain, I don't like the drugs they pump you up with. Oxycodone is evil and I have lost several friends to the addiction to it.
The pain is horrible, I can only imagine, but the drugs can mess up your head and liver.
I don't have an alternative for you on that one I just wish there was another way to get you some relief.
You need to get yourself out of that apartment as much as you are able and get some wind in your hair, do some people watching, talk to people and rediscover your world again.
You must rebuild yourself...for the boys.
I am here to tell you that a day will most certainly come when the boys will need you and want your company and council on things that their mother can't help them with and other men can't give them.
You only get issued one Father and that's you
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