Office Jokes

[dragoon500ly]

It sometimes amazes me on how much work is completed in my office....with these little gems being emailed all over the place!

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way back I stopped at the gas station to get some gas, and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"well, just what kind of ammo you got to trade?"

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a .45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a .46.'

The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle or a shotgun.'

Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

[dragoon500ly]

The two loudest sounds in the world are a bang when you’re expecting a click and a click when you’re expecting a bang.”

[dragoon500ly]

I'm fourth generation Irish-American...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

[dragoon500ly]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’

The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

[dragoon500ly]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[dragoon500ly]

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’

‘It is!’

‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’

‘I can!’

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’

‘I do!’

‘Is he a member of your congregation?’

‘He is!’

‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’

‘He will.’