Full Disclosure

[kato13]

I had a much more strongly worded rant (It actually contained two uses of the F word) to the DC canon thread, but even though it contained the line

"See right now my brain is attempting to add my usual tact to this post now and it disgusts me that I would still even waste the time and energy it takes."

I was still overtaken by my internal desire for tact and civility so I deleted it and started this post.

Ok full disclosure because you guys deserve it.

I have for the last year been dealing with the continuing descent of a loved one into mental illness. While there have been periods of stabilization IMO the situation has continued to trend downward. As you can imagine this is an unbelievably taxing on me.

For a time this place was my oasis. Until one poster (whom I feel was motivated by personal animosity) decided to take things too far. To be honest I had already lost respect for that poster (which was a first on this board) in a previous discussion, so my feelings towards this poster are not from a knee-jerk defense of anyone.

I could have simply banned that one user (and lord knows I considered it), but my own internal code would rather push my own sanity to the brink than use that heavy handed form of censorship.

I tried (after much soul searching) with the Canon thread to remove a weapon that poster was using and which had driven away posters who were both prolific and still had my respect. It was not to elevate them to some sort of god status nor to say their work was "better" than any others. An imperfect solution, but something I hoped would bring peace and bring back several users from exile.

The fact my canon declaration has apparently driven away one of the posters I have the greatest respect for, wounds me even further. I'm actually tearing up as I type this (hey I said full disclosure)

Simply put due to massive drains on me physically, mentally and emotionally from my real world issues, I simply cannot waste any energy on fighting over what in the end is just fiction and a game.

In the "strongly worded" post I mentioned above, I was ready to walk away completely from this place. This post proves that deep down I don't want to do that. However I may have more long periods of absence if I feel I just can't take it any more.

I feel bad for the ultimatum but if you want me around, play as nice as you can. It is really that simple. As a man I hate admitting weakness, but I simply don't have the reserves in me to fight hard for this place right now. Other more important things need my attention and energy.

Felt you guys deserved the full unvarnished truth.

kato

[StainlessSteelCynic]

It's incredibly tough dealing with mental illness, one of my close friends has a sister suffering from longterm depression and his half-sister dealing with low self-esteem and a friend of us both committed suicide because he couldn't deal with his own depression.
I personally believe we need more people to talk openly about it in exactly the sort of way Paul Mulcahy has and indeed you have Kato. It seems that people are afraid of mental illness because they think that they can 'catch it' like a cold or something and so they always try to avoid and thus never seem to understand what it is. It's incredibly frustrating to hear people who have no idea say things like "It's all in their head" or "They should just get over it".

I don't really have much to say here except that your feelings are understandable and very much human. I believe most if not all, the people here have admiration and respect for you because you have made it clear on a previous thread that this forum was a 'labour of love' and it was difficult to give it as much attention as you desired due to other committments.

Perhaps what is needed here is another person who can do some of the admin tasks, an assistant admin so to speak. Somebody who would be as evenhanded and unobstrusive as you have been, someone like Graebarde for example.
This forum is one of the better behaved that I have seen and I would hate to see break up because we can't control our emotions. Irrespective of all that, for what it's worth, you have my sympathy and support - I may not agree with all your decisions, but I will try to respect and abide by them.

[kato13]

SSC I appreciate your words. However given privacy concerns towards another person I am not going to provide any more details.

The original title of this post was "looking for moderators" so I certainly give your second suggestion some thought. We really only need the occasional spam post deleted, but as one of my mottoes is "no move made in haste" of course I will need to think about it some more.

[General Pain]

I too hate it when real life gets too real...

Let's show the respect Kato deserves and stop any more silly arguments that borders into personal attacks.

I must admit I too was a bit too open (it was only ment as a funny remark) (probably because of my own mental state ) and hurt another poster feelings (if USMCs have them) and I regret that now and hope it's just water under the bridge. I never meant anything by it , however I think it was in the old forum....So I think I'm at my best behaviour ... now...

...usually best behaviour and General Pain is never used in the same sentence.

Anyway let's keep it civil guys...

KATO YOU RULE!!!!!!!!!

[Jason Weiser]

Kato,
My wife is Bipolar I, believe me, I know very well the stress and pain you are describing. If you want to talk...lemme know. If not, that's fine too. Best advice I can give is separate the disease from the person. It's tough, and sometimes, even I find myself stressed out, frustrated and probably cursing and drinking more than I should, ask Chico and FF...I am not the most pleasant person when she's been hospitalized.

Being frustrated and upset isn't wrong..it's a natural reaction for guys like us. We want to do something...but we know we can't. So, we do the best we can. I do, and as much as the bad times suck...the good times are when I get to smile and realize why I said I do in the first place. My folks call me a saint. I dunno why, I'm not. I just love my wife and I'm as the song says: "And you're too proud to beg and too dumb to steal".

[Ironside]

Dealing with the mental illness of a loved one is incredibly hard. My wife has to deal with my clinical depression and anxiety and it really gets to her at times. As she has said to me; "Sometimes I want to go into the garden, put my head under the Hydrangea bush and scream in frustration!", so I have some idea of what it can do to people. Recently a good friend of ours succummed to Altzheimers to the extent he now has to be in a secure unit as he can no longer recognise dangers to himself.

Mental illness is almost taboo in our society and I agree, so many people think that it's 'catching' Thank you for being so open and frank with us kato; I hope that your loved one gets appropriate treatment.

I would offer to help with the board but at the moment I can't guarantee any consistency of effort. I do appreciate all the hard work you have done.

[pmulcahy11b]

Kato, I feel for you. I'm on the other side of that equation, and this person definitely needs you and is lucky to have you. Take care of them, and stop by whenever you can.

[Legbreaker]

As I've implied a few times, I married a 5'0" redhead and the absolute screaming fury that comes along with it. After almost ten years of abuse which included being stabbed and then being locked up by the police (even though I was the victim), as well as two periods in the psych unit of the local hospital for depression, I finally kicked her out nearly 4 years ago.

So I feel somewhat qualified to understand how you might be feeling Kato. You have my sympathy and suppport.

[Cdnwolf]

Kato you are the heart and soul of this place. I respect and understand how hard it must have been to make this post. I believe the saying is ... "No man is an island.."

WE ARE YOUR FAMILY TOO KATO. When you hurt we hurt. AND we are there to help. USE us.... 99% of us are firmly here to make sure that this remains the best forum anyone has ever seen.

[Webstral]

You have our support, Kato, along with our deepest appreciation for all you do. I know that having hardships at home can make everything else in life seem that much more gigantic a challenge.

Webstral

[Raellus]

Kato, thank you for letting us in on what's going on in your personal life. That must have taken a lot of courage and I hope we earn the trust you've placed in us by sharing this.

The last thing you need is more stress. This site should bring you pleasure and not more negativity.

I want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Hang in there. Thanks for all you do for us.

[jester]

Been there, done that. And then took care of a terminaly ill family member the last year of their life. <ALOT of emotional issues there> So, I do feel for you. All most of us can do is say "we got your back!" I know when I was dealing with that emotional hell, these boards were my break from the insanity that was my real world even though due to those real world issues, I lost touch with most of my games and was somewhat scarce on these boards.

As for mental illnell, hey, it ain't so bad if one does what they need to do. <HAH! Paul, I'm catching up to ya >

Don't swet it, and as everyone has said, take care of what needs taking care of and if you need to vent, we are here.

[Jason]

I think all (yes ALL) of us structure our lives in a way that allows us access to our 'oasis', and having that system compromised is disturbing. Gaming is my Oasis, and even though my mom died in April this year, I only missed a handful of my standing Saturday gaming sessions. It does not matter to me that 'they are just games', because I love them, and I need them.

I have seen sooo many faces of mental illness in my profession (I work at a group home) and personal life (my side of the family is mega-dysfunctional) that I can honestly say, without knowing any specifics of your situation, that my heart breaks for you, Kato. If confronting mental illness did not cause you to question your own sanity, then I would be really worried. It is worse when it is a loved one, but witnessing the effects of any type of serious illness troubles the mind.

In the U.S. at least, mental illness in very misunderstood and therefor under-reported and underestimated. Very few who might question your commitment to a loved one with a mental illness would do so if it was a physical illness instead. This is slowly changing, and it is now recognized that talented, imaginative, intelligent, and especially creative people are more susceptible to mental illness than others. Hello! As RPGers of the Old School, this is us.

This forum is a special place. Some of us are internet refugees from the old boards, and some have only joined this group since the move, but we all rely of the fact that this forum is here when we log on. I belong to a bunch of forums, but none of those are even close to this one in terms of community.

Cdnwolf is right, when you hurt, we hurt. I can offer you some advice. You need to do whatever it is that keeps you sane. Your loved one is counting on that at least. Right now, there is a greater call on your time, and that means you will not be able to do all the things you normally take care of. Naturally, when others start covering your responsibilities, some things are not going to get done to your satisfaction. You will have to find a way to let that go.

Which brings me to my point. It is time we had some Mods. I would think on a board this size, two or three should be enough. Remember the old boards, with basically zero moderation? We did really well there, and I am confident that you could tap a person or two that would accept the job.

Whatever is decided, I am having a good thought for you and your loved one.

[Littlearmies]

Hi Kato
As someone who has suffered from depression in the past I sympathise with your predicament. I firmly believe that, given how many people suffer from some sort of mental illness to one degree or another during the course of their lives, that we should all be as open about it as possible.

About ten years ago I had a severe bout that put me off work for several weeks - I just wanted to sit in a corner of a darkened room - until the drugs started working (my company health plan covered visits to a shrink, and I found it interesting how my GP and my shrink came to a similar conclusion by wholly different routes)/ When I went back I decided to be completely open about it - and my boss was totally cool, considering I walked into his office and told him I was (literally) sick of my job and if he couldn't help me move to something different I'd have to leave.

I've had a couple of minor episodes in the last ten years - enough so I know exactly what Winston Churchill was talking about when he referred to the "black dog" that followed him around - it's always there, sitting in the back of your mind on any morning when you wake up not feeling 100% sure you want to go to work on the grounds you'd really rather do anything else instead.....

Anyway, Kato, I go hope everything works out for you, and yours.

Malcolm

[Legbreaker]

Originally Posted by Littlearmies

I've had a couple of minor episodes in the last ten years - enough so I know exactly what Winston Churchill was talking about when he referred to the "black dog" that followed him around - it's always there, sitting in the back of your mind on any morning when you wake up not feeling 100% sure you want to go to work on the grounds you'd really rather do anything else instead.....

I know what you mean. Even now, years after my problems ended, I still have times I want to just curl up and ignore the world. My self confidence is shot to hell too, almost to the point of paranoia. Fortunately I'm able to recognise this about myself and work through it.

Hmmm, maybe what Jason said about the talented, imaginative, etc is true. Seems like at least half of us have our personal demons....

[spielmeister]

Kato,

Pardon this post if I'm just coming out of the blue like this but real-life concerns have kept me away for too long. I'm just catching up on the posts in the forums at this point.

Kato, I don't think I'll be remiss in saying that these forums have become a home for many of us. If we've got a home here where we can be ourselves, recharge our energies, learn more, and generally just be in the company of like-minded decent people, we have a lot to thank you for. Your efforts gave us this home - and it's a great service you've done for all of us.

I'm experiencing a bit of a trying time now as well in the family and I sympathize with what you are going through. Hang in there my friend, and we're here for you anytime you need us.

Spielmeister

[Caradhras]

Cognito Ergo Doleo - 'I think, therefore I suffer' (or am depressed, depending on your translation). Kind of a reversal of 'Ignorance is bliss'.

I have been on the edge of my sanity at times, medically not just an expression, but have never quite got to the worst cases and feel for those examples given here.

My point, although already made, is that for me RPGs and all that are associated with them (such as this forum) have been my biggest saviour. Escapism, yes - and because of this I believe it has kept me from the worst. To be able to have like-minded friends and get away from the demons of modern life on a regular basis.

[General Pain]

Originally Posted by spielmeister

Kato,

Pardon this post if I'm just coming out of the blue like this but real-life concerns have kept me away for too long. I'm just catching up on the posts in the forums at this point.

Kato, I don't think I'll be remiss in saying that these forums have become a home for many of us. If we've got a home here where we can be ourselves, recharge our energies, learn more, and generally just be in the company of like-minded decent people, we have a lot to thank you for. Your efforts gave us this home - and it's a great service you've done for all of us.

I'm experiencing a bit of a trying time now as well in the family and I sympathize with what you are going through. Hang in there my friend, and we're here for you anytime you need us.

Spielmeister

I totally agree Spielmeister .

[Dog 6]

Originally Posted by kato13

I had a much more strongly worded rant (It actually contained two uses of the F word) to the DC canon thread, but even though it contained the line

"See right now my brain is attempting to add my usual tact to this post now and it disgusts me that I would still even waste the time and energy it takes."

I was still overtaken by my internal desire for tact and civility so I deleted it and started this post.

Ok full disclosure because you guys deserve it.

I have for the last year been dealing with the continuing descent of a loved one into mental illness. While there have been periods of stabilization IMO the situation has continued to trend downward. As you can imagine this is an unbelievably taxing on me.

For a time this place was my oasis. Until one poster (whom I feel was motivated by personal animosity) decided to take things too far. To be honest I had already lost respect for that poster (which was a first on this board) in a previous discussion, so my feelings towards this poster are not from a knee-jerk defense of anyone.

I could have simply banned that one user (and lord knows I considered it), but my own internal code would rather push my own sanity to the brink than use that heavy handed form of censorship.

I tried (after much soul searching) with the Canon thread to remove a weapon that poster was using and which had driven away posters who were both prolific and still had my respect. It was not to elevate them to some sort of god status nor to say their work was "better" than any others. An imperfect solution, but something I hoped would bring peace and bring back several users from exile.

The fact my canon declaration has apparently driven away one of the posters I have the greatest respect for, wounds me even further. I'm actually tearing up as I type this (hey I said full disclosure)

Simply put due to massive drains on me physically, mentally and emotionally from my real world issues, I simply cannot waste any energy on fighting over what in the end is just fiction and a game.

In the "strongly worded" post I mentioned above, I was ready to walk away completely from this place. This post proves that deep down I don't want to do that. However I may have more long periods of absence if I feel I just can't take it any more.

I feel bad for the ultimatum but if you want me around, play as nice as you can. It is really that simple. As a man I hate admitting weakness, but I simply don't have the reserves in me to fight hard for this place right now. Other more important things need my attention and energy.

Felt you guys deserved the full unvarnished truth.

kato

I'm sorry about your family illness, hope he or she is better soon.


kato this I must say, having been a "mod" before I don't support censorship BUT this is your site and if one guy is causing you this much pain then please give him/her the boot. I want you around, you've helped me a lot when others blew me off and you've done one hell of a good job. last I'd like to say if you leave I leave.

[Grimace]

Stay strong, kato. Situations like what you're going through are never easy on those involved on both sides of the illness. Be patient...it's a long, long haul. Here's hoping it has a better outcome than what is currently happening.

And make sure you talk with others that you trust about it. Don't keep it bottled up for your own sake.

There are those who visit here who would gladly and readily stand-in as a temporary for you during this tough time in your life. Perhaps choosing one would help alleviate one troublesome thought so you can focus more on the important things in your life.