In celebration of an anniversary

[RandyT0001]

In celebration of a great anniversary I have attached a sample of the Meet the Mayor module.

The first two uniform names should give you enough of a hint to know what is the anniversary that I refer to.

Read the sample for the clue.

I would like to get some feedback on this and, more importantly, other JR material that I have offered.

[cosmicfish]

What kind of feedback are you looking for - copy editing, game use, writing style, what?

[RandyT0001]

Feedback that would improve the product. I guess that would include all three plus others you deem important. Feedback could be through public posts or PM's, it's your choice. Hopefully, feedback about my mistakes would be informative to others about what not to do whether for publication (internet, paper) and/or for their own games.

[cosmicfish]

Well, here are my observations as I came across them:

With no link or warning about other material, the transition into the JR and the module was far too abrupt - it was a couple of paragraphs before I had any idea what was going on. The whole "movie shoot" thing made no sense, and I don't know if I just missed the joke because I have not seen your other material. Yes, I caught that they were the moonwalkers' names, I just don't see why that was included.

Everything up to the briefing is unclear, as if you only wrote down half what you envisioned. For example, the team checks on their vehicles at the armory, but we have no idea what the armory is or how they or their vehicles got there in the first place or why they are even going docilely along with this whole thing. If I read those paragraphs to my players I would not get two sentences in before they told me quite emphatically that this is not what their characters were doing.

The briefing is presented as spoken text, but reads in most parts more like a Wikipedia article - a brief summary with incorporated keywords. I don't hear someone reading this out loud. It also sounds like a routine briefing, something that they do so often that they are reciting it in a monotone while fantasizing about doing anything else at all, with zero excitement or nervousness, and it seems like it is really supposed to be a big deal.

It looks like an interesting setting, but it seems to diverge quite substantially from what I am used to in a typical MP campaign - it seems as if the players are being asked to give up their independence and focus on this one region, when the "campaign goal" I am used to is the resurrection of the Project itself. I am not saying that would inherently be a problem, just that as a player knowing the game I would likely rebel against being railroaded.