OT - Friday funny stuff

[Cdnwolf]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYPSp...layer_embedded

[headquarters]

Originally Posted by Cdnwolf

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!



P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



If you think education is difficult, try being stupid

gotta admit I laughed till I got tears in my eyes.
thanks for sharing from your daily life cdnwolf.

[General Pain]

[General Pain]

[Legbreaker]

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...SORRY.

I'm thinking of beer. It's beer that does all that stuff.

Never mind.......

[Legbreaker]

Just in time for Christmas.
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[Targan]

Oh dear.

[Odie]

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[Odie]

A few more

[mikeo80]

Originally Posted by Legbreaker

Just in time for Christmas.
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That is just wrong!!!

And you forgot the spew warning!!

Now, if I was in chage, I would reactivate the U.S.S. Wisconsin.

Many of the U.S. Navy's first hero's were captains sent to prevent piracy. Why not continue the tradition??

My $0.02

Mike

[Legbreaker]

I received this email just a few minutes ago.

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Qantas shares one year ago, You would have $49.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, You would have $33.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago, You would have $0.00 today!

BUT.... If you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, Drank all the beer, then returned the aluminium cans for recycling....
YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!

BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!

AND, DID YOU KNOW...

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks 900 MILES A YEAR!!!

Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A YEAR!!!

THAT MEANS THAT, ON AVERAGE, AUSSIES GET ..... 41 MILES TO THE GALLON.

MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE" DOESN'T IT?

[Legbreaker]

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[pmulcahy11b]

Originally Posted by Odie

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I had that same triangle problem in high school. I put the right answer, but on the downslope I drew a stick figure walking away from his car, which was smoking.

[pmulcahy11b]

Originally Posted by General Pain

I'd like to know what he's using for his trigger finger...

[Legbreaker]

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[LT. Ox]

I must tell you that is the wors.......... Ah hell I go to have some integrity
I love it

[Legbreaker]

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[Legbreaker]

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[swaghauler]

Originally Posted by Legbreaker

Just in time for Christmas.
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Leg;

Some constructive criticism here. You need to make a couple of changes but as a "machinegun tourist" I'll still take two tickets.

The first change you have to make is to move the Captain's .50 caliber machineguns down to the rail. There are at least a dozen Class 3 Gun Rental dealerships that will let you do a "mad minute" on a .50 or a minigun so this isn't enough of a "treat" to merit a "Captain's Gun Mount."

I'd suggest dual 40mm Bofors Autocannon. These are rare enough to be a true "treat" for a "machinegun tourist" (Knob Creek is the only place I've ever seen this offered to the public). You could do TWO mounts, one for the "Captain's Crew" and the other headed by a "Featured Entertainer" headlining on the cruise (for some reason Ted Nugent comes to mind immediately). They could compete to see who sinks a pirate "Mothership" first.

[swaghauler]

Originally Posted by Legbreaker

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I just watched Air America again (after MANY YEARS) and this post kind of reminds me of the opening scene with the farmer and his Mosin. ONE SHOT and he downs a C130.

Who could ever forget the "Golden BB?"

[Legbreaker]

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[pmulcahy11b]

Originally Posted by swaghauler

I just watched Air America again (after MANY YEARS) and this post kind of reminds me of the opening scene with the farmer and his Mosin. ONE SHOT and he downs a C130.

Who could ever forget the "Golden BB?"

That reminds me of one of the early scenes in Flight of the Intruder (and in the book) where the hero's A-6 goes flying by over a rice paddy, low but fast, and a farmer with some ancient rifle (didn't even look as "new" as a Mosin-Nagant) took a pot shot and hits the WSO in the head...

[StainlessSteelCynic]

Originally Posted by pmulcahy11b

That reminds me of one of the early scenes in Flight of the Intruder (and in the book) where the hero's A-6 goes flying by over a rice paddy, low but fast, and a farmer with some ancient rifle (didn't even look as "new" as a Mosin-Nagant) took a pot shot and hits the WSO in the head...

Harry Turtledove uses the same idea in one of the books of his Worldwar series (maybe he took inspiration from Flight of the Intruder?), someone takes a shot using their mid-20th Century rifle at one of the alien aircraft and shoots it down. The pilot finds it quite surprising because he believed in the total superiority of the alien tech compared to the tech of the "primitive" humans.
It goes on to say something like a low chance of success does not equal no chance for success. So yeah, while it's improbable, it is not impossible... which is seems to be the exact reason that we used to be taught to mass fire our (at the time, 7.62mm NATO) rifles at enemy aircraft if they were attacking us.

[Legbreaker]

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[pmulcahy11b]

Originally Posted by swaghauler

Who could ever forget the "Golden BB?"

Just as long as you don't get hit by a Golden Bullet. Totally different, and infinitely worse...

[swaghauler]

So True! A more accurate representation of how different MOS fields are treated in the US military.

https://youtu.be/bQPtWrK145w

[swaghauler]

had to laugh at this one too. Uncle Sam has you Neo!

https://youtu.be/Cx68nNy9WPk

[Legbreaker]

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[Legbreaker]

The President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. President !' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Mr. President replied. How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Mr. President paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. President, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Mr. President asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Mr. President sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. President , the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Mr. President was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided,surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. President ! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Mr. President . 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'