OT - Stupid things

[Legbreaker]

I was coming home on the bus today and overheard part of a conversation between two of the other passengers that just made me shake my head in amazement.

"We don't have a lot of oil in the ground, we've only got lots of petrol."

Yes, it was a blonde....

So, what other stupid comments have people overheard?

[dragoon500ly]

"My Blackberry doesn't work! Stupid <insert long series of cursing> piece of government issued crap!!!"

"Did you try turning it on?"

"Of course....hay! Its working now!"

I was laughing so hard I almost spilled my morning cup of coffee!

(The owner of the Blackberry was a GS-12)

[Fusilier]

Teaching science... diversity of living things.

Another teacher in the foreign department with me asks with absolute seriousness, "If evolution is true, then why are there still monkeys." They then sit back and cross their arms with a smug look as if they just single handedly destroyed the basic foundation of modern biology.

I clarify the facts...

They reply, again with seriousness, "My father didn't have sex with no ape."

I stop talking to this person...

[dragoon500ly]

After Hurricane Katrina visited the Gulf Coast, I witnessed this little act.

Home owner was trying to cut up some downed trees. He really didn't know how to use a chain saw.

After fueling, he stood astride the chain saw and attempted to start it. His first pull didn't start the engine...although he did succeed in striking himself in the groin with the blade....the end product of thousands of years of evolution!

[simonmark6]

I've got millions:

I pulled a kid out on an assembly given by a visiting NASA astronaut. I was lecturing him on giving respect to the man and he said, "Come on, Sir, it's hardly rocket science is it."

History revision:
My question: Which British scientist helped codify Classical and Medieval Medical theories?
Kid: Kevin Bacon!

Child Development:
Sir, cows have two stomachs don't they? So how do they know which stomach they are having their baby in? ( I had words with the class teacher after that one...)

Marking a history exam where the child was asked to evalute the position of Custer at the Little Big Horn:

Custer split his command into three and sent them all over the place. He then led his bit of the command into three thousand howling Indians that outnumbered him more than ten to one. They had more men and better rifles and they surrounded him. Basically, Custer was fucked.

I awarded him partial credit...

Last one for now:
I got into a discussion with one of our more challenging bretheren about why the school was actively discouraging his relationship with a certain young lady:
Danny: "Why can't I go out with Georgia?"
Me: "Because she's your half-sister."
Danny: "That didn't stop my Mum and Dad."
Me: "Ah, I see..."

I can do more if you want them. My school spawns stupidity like internet forums spawn arguments.

[WallShadow]

Originally Posted by dragoon500ly

After Hurricane Katrina visited the Gulf Coast, I witnessed this little act.

Home owner was trying to cut up some downed trees. He really didn't know how to use a chain saw.

After fueling, he stood astride the chain saw and attempted to start it. His first pull didn't start the engine...although he did succeed in striking himself in the groin with the blade....the end product of thousands of years of evolution!

Another example of the gene pool filter being self-cleaning!

[WallShadow]

Originally Posted by simonmark6

I've got millions:

History revision:
My question: Which British scientist helped codify Classical and Medieval Medical theories?
Kid: Kevin Bacon!

Marking a history exam where the child was asked to evalute the position of Custer at the Little Big Horn:

Custer split his command into three and sent them all over the place. He then led his bit of the command into three thousand howling Indians that outnumbered him more than ten to one. They had more men and better rifles and they surrounded him. Basically, Custer was fucked.

I awarded him partial credit...

Last one for now:
I got into a discussion with one of our more challenging bretheren about why the school was actively discouraging his relationship with a certain young lady:
Danny: "Why can't I go out with Georgia?"
Me: "Because she's your half-sister."
Danny: "That didn't stop my Mum and Dad."
Me: "Ah, I see..."

Classical scientist? Every one knows he wasn't European: He was Hoser "Canadian" Bacon. (as told to me by my Canadian buddies.)

Custer? Kid's smack on target as far as I can see!

As for the last, the burning question in the very rural and developmentally backward area I had been transferred to was as follows:
"If your Mom and Dad divorce, are they still brother and sister?"

[Legbreaker]

Originally Posted by simonmark6

Danny: "That didn't stop my Mum and Dad."

I can do more if you want them. My school spawns stupidity like internet forums spawn arguments.

That's what you get when you downsize the available gene pool....

[headquarters]

got interviewed by a rather nice looking blonde from local radio last time I was in for an ex. She did a lot of takes and tried out different questions.

Hope she edited that one out:

She started of - "When I see you guys with camouflage and machine guns..."

Me: "actually this is an automatic rifle.."

her: " when I see you guys with uniforms and your atomic rifles.."

me : "eehhrr...."

her: " ? huh? " ( eyes wide in non comprehension)

me:" Can I suggest just rifle?"

[dragoon500ly]

Saw this gem at the local gas station...

A rather lovely young lady pulled up in her sports car and attempted to get gas. The pump refused to read her card and she was getting more and more upset.

Being a gentleman (stop the snickering!) I offered to assist the young lady (the fact that she was displaying a rather immpressive amount of clevage had nothing what so ever to do with my offer to help).

I carefully examined her card, and then informed her that this was her library card and that the pumps would not accept it.

[simonmark6]

Surely she gains some kudos for possessing a library card?

[dvyws]

She would deserve some kudos if she had known it was a library card...

[dragoon500ly]

She deserved kudos for the sweater and micro-mini that she was wearing

As for the library card, I'm still debating that one...

[Abbott Shaull]

Originally Posted by dragoon500ly

"My Blackberry doesn't work! Stupid <insert long series of cursing> piece of government issued crap!!!"

"Did you try turning it on?"

"Of course....hay! Its working now!"

I was laughing so hard I almost spilled my morning cup of coffee!

(The owner of the Blackberry was a GS-12)

LOL... Now if RIM could keep the Blackberry up all of the time. Then again I can't complain the last 2 months.

[Abbott Shaull]

Originally Posted by dragoon500ly

She deserved kudos for the sweater and micro-mini that she was wearing

As for the library card, I'm still debating that one...

Well if she was Blonde she then has earned her kudos for having a Library Card. If she wasn't, well she may have tried to color her hair to create the illusion that she wasn't so dumb after all.

[dragoon500ly]

While stationed at Fort Knox, we would often leave the tanks at the gunnery range and head back into main post for the night and take the van back out the next morning and prep for our trainees.

While driving down the road out to the ranges, in a white goverment-issue van, the five of us passed a MP car. One of our instructors, nicknamed Smitty thought it would be funny to duck down like he was hiding from the MPs. Bad move. The MPs did a 180 on the road and lit up the lights and sirens. We stopped, but the MPs parked about 50 meters behind us and pulled out their M-16 and shotgun and told us to place our hands against the roof of the van <MAJOR OH-SHIT MOMENT>. Within a couple of minutes, he had seven MP cars blocking us in front and back and some eighteen MPs pointing a variety of weapons at us.

After having the driver drop his keys on the road, we had to exit the vehicle, one by one and lie spread-eagled in the ditch, until the MPs cuffed all of us.

Needless to say, by this time Smitty was being threatened by his fellow prisoners with every form of mayhem.

Turns out that the MPs were running a hostage scenario that involved a white, government-issue van loaded with five people dressed in GI uniform who had kidnapped the post commander and his wife.

Smitty never lived that one down....

[Abbott Shaull]

Originally Posted by dragoon500ly

While stationed at Fort Knox, we would often leave the tanks at the gunnery range and head back into main post for the night and take the van back out the next morning and prep for our trainees.

While driving down the road out to the ranges, in a white goverment-issue van, the five of us passed a MP car. One of our instructors, nicknamed Smitty thought it would be funny to duck down like he was hiding from the MPs. Bad move. The MPs did a 180 on the road and lit up the lights and sirens. We stopped, but the MPs parked about 50 meters behind us and pulled out their M-16 and shotgun and told us to place our hands against the roof of the van <MAJOR OH-SHIT MOMENT>. Within a couple of minutes, he had seven MP cars blocking us in front and back and some eighteen MPs pointing a variety of weapons at us.

After having the driver drop his keys on the road, we had to exit the vehicle, one by one and lie spread-eagled in the ditch, until the MPs cuffed all of us.

Needless to say, by this time Smitty was being threatened by his fellow prisoners with every form of mayhem.

Turns out that the MPs were running a hostage scenario that involved a white, government-issue van loaded with five people dressed in GI uniform who had kidnapped the post commander and his wife.

Smitty never lived that one down....

Talk about dumb luck

[Adm.Lee]

When I was in high school, I was able to take two years of Russian language (which I've forgotten nearly all of). Senior year, we took a class trip to the USSR (spring '86). We were told lots of things to not take pictures of, like powerplants, military anything, police and so on.

So, our tour bus is sitting at a Moscow traffic light between the tourist hotel and wherever we were going, and one of our guys points his 35mm out the window at a traffic cop's car stopped next to us. Mark drops the camera into his lap and turns pale. "He looked right at me!" The light changes and the bus pulls out, Mark is staring rigidly ahead. A few of us crane our heads around to see if the cop begins to follow us.
"Oh, yeah, Mark, here he comes after us.... Yep, he's pulling around the bus...."
Of course, the bus stops at the next light, and I'm the one on the driver's side looking ahead. "Yeah, Mark, he's talking to the driver."
Of course, the cop wasn't following us at all, and the bus pulled away from the next traffic light without letting any cops on.
I can still hear Mark's voice, "You guys are full of s***."

It gets better, about day #3, Mark realizes he hadn't put any film in his big Nikon yet. Three days of touring Moscow, no pictures for the president of the school's Photo Club.

[dragoon500ly]

While on a river crossing exercise, my tank company was parked in a little German village, waiting on the engineers to finish their bridge. I was sitting on the front slope, BS with my TC when one of the recovery specialists decided to cook his C-ration by putting it in the exhaust of his M-88.

Now the tankers get away with this by our placing the cans on top of the cylinders and closing the grill doors again. Dip-shit shoved his can into the exhaust and then fired the engine up. The early M-88s used a gasoline engine and they normally blew about two feet of exhaust...when the M-88 started up, there was a choked moment and then the can was blown out the exhaust. It struck the right front headlight assembly on my tank, shattering it and spraying C-ration Ham and Lima Beans and tin can all over my TC and myself.

The worst part was not that he damaged our headlight assembly, nor was it that the two of us had to spend several minutes with the medic having tin can pulled out of our hides....it was getting sprayed with Ham and Lima Beans...YEECCCH!!!

[dragoon500ly]

While teaching young Second Lieutenants the fine art of driving a tank.....

A officer finished the basic driving course at high speed, smoothly dipping and rolling over the obstacles and pulling to a halt that left dust bellowing over the next drivers. As the officer dismounted his M-60A1...there was a loud POP, followed rapidly by several more and the tank first listed to one side and then adapted a nose up angle.

To the delight of the watching crowd, eight of the torsion bars on the rear of the tank chose that moment to break.

Why the delight you ask, Armor Officer's Basic had one firm rule, if you break it, you fix it. And there is nothing like raising a supension arm, sledging out the broken pieces of torsion bar and then sledging in the replacement bar....and getting to watch a Second Lieutenant doing it!

[Abbott Shaull]

Originally Posted by dragoon500ly

While teaching young Second Lieutenants the fine art of driving a tank.....

A officer finished the basic driving course at high speed, smoothly dipping and rolling over the obstacles and pulling to a halt that left dust bellowing over the next drivers. As the officer dismounted his M-60A1...there was a loud POP, followed rapidly by several more and the tank first listed to one side and then adapted a nose up angle.

To the delight of the watching crowd, eight of the torsion bars on the rear of the tank chose that moment to break.

Why the delight you ask, Armor Officer's Basic had one firm rule, if you break it, you fix it. And there is nothing like raising a supension arm, sledging out the broken pieces of torsion bar and then sledging in the replacement bar....and getting to watch a Second Lieutenant doing it!

Poor 2nd Lieutenant... Probably the only time he would ever have to do it...lol

[dragoon500ly]

There is something about watching a 2nd looie having to do hard phusical labor......

That just brings a big smile to my face!

[Abbott Shaull]

Originally Posted by dragoon500ly

There is something about watching a 2nd looie having to do hard phusical labor......

That just brings a big smile to my face!

Something about any Officer doing hard Physical Labor would make you smile...lol

Come to think about...belay that it would only get me into trouble and they haven't authorized women to be member of tank crews yet... But they can be fighter pilots something doesn't make sense...

[headquarters]

You mean us carrying our stars or bars on our shoulders isnt a hard enough burden already?
You would have us toil in the dirt like ..like .. a common enlisted man???!!???

What a dreadful notion!

Where you in my company I should have you court martialed for communist symphaties!

[dragoon500ly]

Well, we had yet another would be robber try to knock over a bank....you'd think that they would realize that when the bank is located on a peninsula with only three ways off, that the police will be waiting for you on the bridge......

[Abbott Shaull]

Sounds like some idiots that try to rob banks here in the UP of Michigan. When there are only so many ways to get aways from towns up here unless you want try to trek cross country and even then you still have so many choke points you have to go through...*shrug*

[Legbreaker]

The following is an email I just received. Words of wisdom there I'd say...

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's arse?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:

• Never be arrogant.
• Don't waste ammunition.
• Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
• Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
• Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[atiff]

Nice one Here's a similar one...



An old gentleman is in his chauffeur-driven in his Rolls, with the driver about to pull into a parking spot, when out of nowhere a sleek red Porsche zips into the space. A young businessman steps out with a grin on his face.

The gentleman lowers the window and says "Excuse me, young man, we were about to park in that space."

The young man just laughs and says "Well, that's what you can do when you are young and fast!"

As he starts to walk away, the gentleman raises the window and speaks to his driver. The Rolls backs up gently..... then the engine roars, and it flies forward, smashing into the side of the Porsche. The young man runs back to his crushed vehicle, aghast; "My car!! What did you do that for?!?"

The gentleman lowers the window again. "Well, that's what you can do when you are old and rich."

[dragoon500ly]

Originally Posted by headquarters

You mean us carrying our stars or bars on our shoulders isnt a hard enough burden already?
You would have us toil in the dirt like ..like .. a common enlisted man???!!???

What a dreadful notion!

Where you in my company I should have you court martialed for communist symphaties!

A little honest labor is good for the soul!

[dragoon500ly]

And from the local paper.....

Park Rangers arrested four people for cooking meth today. Our criminal master minds decide that cooking the stuff in the middle of a national forest would avoid most of the problems associated with the act, to wit, the rather unique stench.

Just a few problems...

Its been a dry winter down here and the Forestery Service has a total ban on outdoor fires...their grill was putting out quite a streamer of smoke.

Two fire towers happened to spot the smoke and got a excellent grid.

The area where they were cooking was located three miles from the district ranger office, and there was a complete fire crew as well as rangers, over twenty people, bored out of their grouds.

There was only the trail they were on and a logging road....everything else was protected forest with HEAVY undergrowth.

As soon as the meth cookers spotted the Forestry Service trucks roaring up the trail, they opened fire, disabling one truck. They then ducked into the undergrowth and tried to get away on foot.

By this time the Park Rangers and Highway Patrol had roadblocks set up....and were broadcasting loudspeaker appeals that if the crooks would give themselves up right away, they would be treated for Poison Ivy and Poison Oak, since they had run through patches of both while getting away...

Shortest manhunt in Mississippi history....the last one gave up within thirty minutes.

Moral of the story...it never hurts to open the old Boy Scout handbook once in a while!